Anxiety issues
caused by parenting

Jul 14th 2024, by Iveta Finn

What kind of Parenting causes anxiety?

Studies show, that children are more at risk of anxiety when their parents exhibit signs of aversiveness:

1. Harshness (shouting at children, time-outs “Go to your bedroom and think about what you’ve done!“)
2. Hostility (threatening “Do that again, and you are in a big trouble!“, teasing, letting out anger on a child, physical punishment)
3. Criticism (finding something faulty about the child – “you are naughty“, “stop whining!“, “you are so lazy“…) and sarcasm
4. Shaming (“what’s wrong with you?“, silent treatments, “why can’t you be like *someone else*?!“, “big girls/boys don’t cry“)

Before I continue, it’s very important to mention, that no parent is perfect and everybody falls into some of the above mentioned behaviors sometimes.
There are two important factors, that define, whether these behaviors lead to anxiety in the future:

1. Frequency – the occurrence of these behaviors must be rare. When these behaviors towards children happen on a regular basis, the risk of developing anxiety issues is very high
2. Repair – when the parents own their mistakes and apologize to their child afterwards, not only do they repair their relationship, they help the child process the stressful situation, and model, that it’s okay to be imperfect as well

Why do these behaviors cause anxiety issues?

Anxiety is generally caused by trauma. Trauma is a “highly stressful experience, one can’t cope with”. When a child experiences a stressful situation, she needs her parent to comfort her and talk her through what happened, while validating her intense feelings. In this way, the child can actually process the stressful event and builds up regulating skills for future events.

There are obvious trauma causes and hidden trauma causes.
An obvious trauma is when something big happens, like for instance a loss of a loved one, or being humiliated by a parent in front of others. (In the example of a loss, parenting is obviously not the trauma cause, but an aware parent can guide a child through the grief and co-regulate the child’s feelings. This can massively decrease the impact of such a traumatic event.) 
A hidden trauma cause is not one big event. It’s a series of ongoing, repetitive, little events. Like denying child’s feelings “Oh come on! There is nothing to be afraid of.”, “You are crying about THAT?! If you don’t stop, I will give you a reason to cry!”, being sent off to the bedroom with big feelings, “you are not good at…”

How do parental behaviors turn into an anxiety issue for a child?

The thing all of the anxiety causing behaviors have in common is – they are neglecting the child’s emotional needs, making them fear or dislike their parent, which (for a little child) threatens their survival. Being rejected by a parent equals death to a child. Small children will never blame their parents. They will turn their parents’ bad behaviors against themselves, internalizing “something must be wrong with me” and developing a self-blaming voice. This voice will stop them from repeating the “faulty behaviors” ever again.

The child can never precisely put the finger on “what’s wrong with me?” (because nothing is wrong), and this feeling will continuously feed her anxiety. The parenting caused trauma lives within her body unresolved, trying to fire the triggers as accurately as possible to avoid any signs of rejection (and other painful experiences) from anyone. As there is no logic to why those bad experiences happened, she never knows, when to expect another one. And every little trigger can cause an anxiety attack (a facial expression of a colleague, a deep breath of her spouse, a certain look or remark from a friend, even a smell, flavor or a sound… often completely unconscious). 

If you suffer from anxiety caused by parenting, are you aware of how much it affects your current relationships? Leaving the parental home is surely a healthy way forward, but you won’t leave the anxiety there…

The impact on your future relationships

The impact on your relationships is profound. And it’s something you need to know. If you had a parent, who was regularly treating you in the ways mentioned above, not only did it cause your anxiety problems, it carved a pattern of what a close relationship looks like within your nervous system.

You might have consciously sworn “I will NEVER be like THAT!” or “I will NEVER have a spouse like THAT!”, but your body doesn’t do logic, it does emotions.

One day, you meet that man (woman), they seem like from a fairytale and you get butterflies in your belly… The feeling of attraction is the activation of the attachment system in your body. The translation of this feeling is “Oh! This is familiar to me! I know how to be in this kind of relationship!“. So if you want something very different from what you had in your childhood, consider the feeling of attraction a big red flag.

On the other hand, nature is wise. There is a reason, why you get attracted to rather self centered, confident, controlling people (this is just an example, but a common one for people struggling with anxiety). And they are attracted to you. When you create a relationship together, and are both willing to work on yourselves, being a safe place for each other, you both get the chance to heal thanks to your relationship. You are both a gift to each other and can learn from one another, resolving all the old traumas, and creating a better future for yourselves, your children and all generations to come.

Do you have an unsupportive partner? Did his (her) qualities, that initially attracted you, turn into triggers with time?  This is absolutely normal! Don’t worry, I’ve got your back! Below, you can download a free 5-step-guide “How to handle an unsupportive partner, when suffering from anxiety”. A great way to start healing yourself and simultaneously creating the closest, most beautiful relationship, you’ve ever had.

You were not born anxious.
If you can develop anxiety, you are able to get rid of it as well.
Learn how to outgrow anxiety now!